


Disgust, Antipathy, and Love

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Explicit Language, M/M, Out of Character, Romance, Sexual Content, Slash, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-15
Updated: 2005-09-15
Packaged: 2018-09-30 01:55:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10150562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Harry and Severus have loved each other for years. After one too many drinks, they finally get together. But when they wake up, will that happiness last?





	1. Wasting away, I see you...

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Chapter 1: Wasting away, I see you...

Twenty-one-year-old Harry Potter stood in the corner of the Great Hall, fulfilling his duty to chaperone the Christmas party that the headmaster had decided to hold. After noticing the way that the students, and some of the professors, started to stumble a little bit, Harry was glad that he hadn't tried any of the punch. It seemed as though several students, eager to replace the Weasley twins, had spiked the punch bowl with firewhiskey. Laughing quietly to himself as he watched his colleague Minerva McGonagall pour herself a large cup of punch, Harry soon found his eyes drawn to a man standing a few feet from McGonagall, a cup of the spiked punch in his hand: Severus Snape. 

Harry's eyes immediately filled with longing as he looked at the man who had unknowingly stolen his heart. After spending month after month in Severus's office training for the war, Harry had finally started to respect the older man. It wasn't until after the final battle, as Severus lay bleeding in Harry's arms, that Harry realized that his feelings of respect had somehow turned to love. Harry felt his chest tighten as he thought about Severus. He knew that the older man would never think of him as anyone worthy of his time. After all, Severus was an intelligent, witty, gorgeous older man. He could, in Harry's eyes, have anyone that he wanted. What would he want with an unattractive, unintelligent child? 

Shooting Severus one more wistful glance, Harry sighed and made his way towards the front of the Great Hall, depressed. It was nearly midnight. The students had already started to turn in for the night, and several professors had already left. Seeing Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore dancing together under the enchanted ceiling, Harry knew that he wouldn't be missed. 

When he reached the door, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Harry instinctively grabbed his wand and thrust it out in front of him as he turned and faced his assailant. Finding himself face-to-face with Severus, Harry jumped and dropped his wand. 

''Sorry, Severus. You surprised me. What can I do for you?''

xxx

Severus Snape was not a stupid man. He knew as soon as he saw a group of students giggling that someone had spiked the punch bowl. Deciding that he would need large amounts of alcohol to deal with this party, he didn't comment. Instead, he poured himself a large glass and stood in the corner, watching those around him. His eyes were immediately drawn to the newest and youngest professor: Harry Potter. 

Harry had only been eighteen when he started working at Hogwarts. That had been three years ago, right after he had killed Voldemort. Having become rather attached to the young Gryffindor, Severus had been both delighted and frightened to learn that Harry would be teaching alongside him. He was delighted because now he would not be forced to say goodbye to the young man that had captured Severus's heart, an organ that many people (including Severus) didn't think even existed. 

He was frightened because now he would be forced to hide his feelings from Harry, something that was becoming more and more difficult for him to do. When Harry was a student he hadn't had this much of a problem. Harry had been a child. Severus was his teacher. That was one boundary that Severus would never cross. 

But now, not only was Harry an adult, but also his colleague. There were no rules stating that they couldn't be in a relationship. But that didn't mean that Severus was going to pursue Harry. He knew that he didn't have a chance with the younger man. Harry was beautiful, smart, and kind. Severus was ugly, cruel, and an ex-Death Eater. What would Harry possibly see in him?

Trying in vain to push all thought of Harry from his mind, Severus grabbed another drink. As he turned to grab another one, he saw Harry start to leave the Great Hall. Severus felt his chest tighten at the depressed look on Harry's face. Feeling the alcohol affect his already-addled brain, Severus walked over to his love. He placed a hand on Harry's shoulder and was surprised to find himself face-to-face with Harry's wand. He saw realization flicker across Harry's face before the wand was dropped and Harry spoke. 

''Sorry, Severus. You surprised me. What can I do for you?''

It took a moment for Severus to process that Harry had spoken. ''I was wondering if you would like to accompany me back to my rooms for a drink.''

xxx

Harry could smell the alcohol on Severus's breath and was slightly impressed that Severus still sounded exactly like himself. Looking up into Severus's eyes, Harry nodded. 

''Sure. Why not?''

xxx

Severus smiled when Harry accepted his invitation. In reality, he was slightly surprised with himself for offering, but since Harry hadn?t declined, he decided that it was all right. The two had started having weekly drinks together shortly after Harry started teaching there, alternating between Harry's rooms and Severus's. They had already had their chat this week in Severus's rooms, but neither one of them seemed to mind.

''Shouldn't we take them in my rooms?'' asked Harry. ''I mean, we drank in your rooms on Monday.''

Clearly Severus thought too soon. Deciding that it didn't matter to him either way, Severus just nodded as the two turned up the staircase instead of going straight. He followed Harry into the room and took his usual seat in front of the fire, waiting for Harry to get the drinks. 

xxx

''What do you want?'' Harry called from the liquor cabinet. 

''Is there any scotch left?'' Severus asked. 

Harry dug around for a moment before pulling out a full bottle of scotch. He showed it to Severus and smiled. 

''Why did I even ask?'' He poured two glasses, handed one to Severus, and took his seat across from the older man. He watched Severus take a sip of scotch before drinking his own. 

''So do you think this party thing is going to become an annual tradition?'' Harry asked.

''Merlin, I hope not,'' groaned Severus, thinking of a time in the future when he would be forced to watch his Harry show up with someone else. 

''You looked like you were having fun,'' observed Harry, trying to keep his lips from twitching. ''Seemed rather attached to that punch bowl.'' 

Severus scowled at Harry, though Harry could see a smile in his eyes. Harry laughed. 

''I was merely testing it to see if any of the students had decided to spike it,'' said Severus stiffly, taking a sip of his scotch to hide the smile forming on his face. 

''Uh huh, sure,'' smiled Harry, enjoying the conversation. He knew that Severus was trying not to smile and felt quite pleased with himself. The two sat in silence for a moment, both enjoying the company of the other. Severus poured himself another glass while Harry slowly sipped his own. 

Harry knew that this night would have to come to an end soon. If Severus drank much more he would have to sleep on Harry's couch. Or in his bed. Harry grinned slightly at the thought, though his smile dimmed when he saw Severus finish his last glass and stand up. 

''Well, I must be going,'' Severus slurred, swaying a bit as he stood. 

Harry set his own glass down and stood up as well. ''Let me walk you back; you're too drunk to walk back to your rooms by yourself.''

''I am not drunk,'' declared Severus as he stumbled over his own feet. 

Laughing, Harry quickly leapt forward and caught Severus before he fell. He pulled Severus into an upright position and moved to pull away. Severus, however, had other ideas. He wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, leaned down, and pressed his lips to Harry's. 

xxx

As he felt warm, soft lips press against his own, Harry's eyes slipped shut and his arms wound themselves around Severus's neck. He felt a warm tongue brush against his lips, and he opened his mouth for Severus. Harry had no idea why Severus was kissing him, but as he felt Severus's tongue wrap around his own, Harry decided that he didn't care. Sparks seemed to course their way through his body, starting at his lips and spreading down to his toes. He had never felt such passion in one kiss before. His whole body was on fire. He never wanted it to stop. 

xxx

Severus didn't know what possessed him to kiss Harry. All he knew was that the scotch had somehow taken over his brain, and when he felt Harry move to pull away, he couldn't allow that. Figuring that Harry was drunk (No shit, Severus, why else would he be kissing you?) and probably wouldn't remember tonight very well (I am *not* upset at that thought; I am relieved.), Severus pushed Harry against the wall and kissed him harder. His hands fumbled with the buttons on Harry's cloak. Harry stiffened for a moment before relaxing and helping Severus.

Finally succeeding in removing Harry's cloak, Severus quickly took off his own, his mouth never leaving Harry's. Then he wrapped his arms around Harry's waist again and half-pulled him towards the door that Severus knew must lead to Harry's bedroom. Deciding he could blame tonight on the alcohol (if Harry even remembers this tomorrow), Severus was determined to spend one night with his love. He could live with just one night, right?

xxx

When Harry felt Severus go to remove his cloak, he immediately stiffened. He knew what Severus intended to do next, and he was unsure of what to do. Severus was clearly not himself tonight; he had had way too much to drink. Wouldn't Harry be taking advantage of Severus in his drugged state? Severus would hate him when he woke up. 

But that was a chance Harry was going to have to take. Relaxing into the kiss again, Harry helped Severus undo the buttons. He felt Severus remove his own cloak and start to steer him toward the bedroom. They bumped into the wall as Severus fumbled for the doorknob. The two stumbled into the room and collapsed onto the bed. Severus started to remove the rest of Harry's clothes. Once that was finished, he removed his own. Then he looked down at Harry and smiled. He kissed Harry again, then looked down at his face and gently stroked Harry's cheek. 

''My Harry,'' he whispered before leaning down to kiss Harry again. 

Harry felt his breath hitch as Severus looked down at him. He knew that was the alcohol talking, not Severus, and that hurt. Finding himself completely naked, Harry felt extremely shy. He had never had sex before. Some people might find it pathetic that a twenty-one-year-old man was a virgin, but Harry didn't really care. He had wanted his first time to be with Severus, but he knew (or thought he knew) that he would never stand a chance with the man he loved. His dreams still filled with thoughts of Severus, Harry was never able to be with anyone else. 

Now, as he felt Severus's mouth travel lower, making its way down his throat and chest, Harry knew he was lost. There was no way that he could stop this now. Not that he really wanted to. One night had to be better than nothing at all. And this way he could have what he had always wanted: his first time would be with Severus. Alright, so the man was drunk and would never want to be with him after this. Harry could live with just one night, right?

xxx

Severus kissed his way down Harry's chest, stopping to pay attention to each nipple along the way. He could hear Harry moan and smiled. He continued on his path southward, ignoring Harry's erect cock in favor of the skin on his inner thighs. He felt Harry thrash around and placed his hands on Harry's hips to hold the younger man down. Then he raised his head a bit more and took Harry in his mouth. 

xxx

As Harry felt Severus's mouth cover his cock, he felt like he had died and gone to heaven. He thrust his hips upward, moaning and muttering incoherent words all the while. He knew he wouldn't last much longer and pulled Severus up to kiss him. Tongues battled for dominance, a battle that Severus easily won. Harry felt Severus's hand drift down towards his bottom and stiffened slightly. 

''Accio lube.''

Harry swallowed nervously when Severus summoned the jar. He watched Severus coat his fingers and started to tremble slightly. He wanted this, but he was still scared. He had no idea what to expect. He felt Severus push one finger into him and felt his muscles clench around the intruder. Severus used his free hand to rub Harry's chest in a comforting manner as he added another finger. Harry's breathing was a little ragged, but he was slowly getting used to the fingers. 

A third finger was added, and Harry whimpered slightly. Severus leaned up and kissed him. Harry tried to focus on the kiss and not on the fingers, which continued to stretch him. He felt the fingers pull out and something much larger took their place. 

xxx

Harry was still trembling as Severus positioned himself in front of Harry's entrance. Making sure that he was coated with a liberal amount of lubricant, Severus slowly pushed into Harry. He heard Harry's intake of breath and paused for a moment before pushing the rest of the way in. It took all his willpower not to thrust forcefully into the beautiful body beneath him. He pulled out slowly and pushed in, a little harder this time, making sure that he hit Harry's prostate. 

Harry let out a cry of pleasure. Severus thrust in again, gaining a little speed. He heard Harry moan and took that as a sign to speed up. Harry was so tight, tighter than anyone else he had ever been in. It was almost as if he were a virgin, but Harry couldn't possibly be one. He heard Harry mutter ''harder'' and immediately complied. He wasn't completely sure that Harry knew whom he was in bed with, and as he heard Harry's moans and whimpers of pleasure, Severus found he didn't care. 

xxx

Harry had never felt such pleasure in his life. Sure, he had been uncomfortable at first, but once they got going, he was sure he would die of ecstasy. He felt Severus thrust harder into him and gladly met each one. They were gaining speed. Harry knew he couldn't last much longer. The pleasure was just too much. 

Sure enough, a few thrusts later Harry felt a tightening in his lower abdomen. He shouted Severus's name as he came. Severus came a moment later, crying out Harry's name. Severus collapsed on top of his young lover, all of his energy leaving him. Muttering a cleaning charm, Severus fell asleep wrapped up around Harry. 

Harry smiled to himself as Severus cleaned them both up. Even in his sated, drugged-up state, Severus still remembered to be clean. Harry's smile disappeared as soon as it had arrived. If Severus remembered to clean them both up, would he remember this in the morning? 

''Of course he will remember,'' Harry thought scornfully to himself. ''He's lying naked on top of me. Even if he doesn't remember what happened, he'll be able to figure it out as soon as he wakes up.''

Feeling slightly depressed, Harry forced those thoughts from his mind and snuggled closer to Severus. This was his one and only chance to fall asleep in the arms of the man he loved. He wasn't about to let his mind ruin this for him. Instead of thinking of how angry and disgusted Severus was sure to be in the morning, Harry thought about how safe and comfortable he felt in Severus's arms. He wished he could stay like this forever. 

**Please review and tell me what you think! I'd post chapter two, but I'm far too lazy right now. The rest should be up either tomorrow or the next day. ******

********


	2. ...when the top of the world falls on you

Chapter 2: ...when the top of the world falls on you

The first thing Severus noticed when he woke up was how utterly comfortable he was. He felt warm and safe, two things he had never felt before. What he *had* felt before was the splitting headache that he recognized from too many nights of drinking. He made to move his hand to rub his forehead, but found that a weight had settled on top of it, making moving his hand impossible. 

Severus opened his eyes and was startled to see Harry Potter curled up against him, his body preventing Severus from moving his hand. Instantly memories from last night came rushing back to him...the party...the spiked punch bowl...scotch in Harry's rooms....sex in Harry's bed....Harry trembling as Severus prepared to take him...Dear Merlin, what had he done? 

Severus immediately pushed Harry away from him and stumbled out of the bed. He climbed clumsily to his feet and stared at Harry in shock and horror. He had raped Harry! Under the influence of whatever drinks he had consumed, he ad proceeded to rape the only person he had ever really cared about, the only person who had ever truly wanted to be Severus's friend. 

Bile was forming in his throat, and Severus had to clamp his hand over his mouth to keep from throwing up. How could he have done that? Not only had he just ruined the friendship the two of them had, he had scarred the boy for life! There was no way that Harry could have wanted what had happened last night. There was no way that he could have wanted Severus. A cold weight settled in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't felt this much guilt since he had become a Death Eater, and that was saying something. 

Severus stared down at Harry, who was still asleep on the bed. He didn't appear to be hurt; that much Severus was grateful for. But he knew that he had hurt Harry far more than physically. Harry would never be able to look at Severus again. And why would he? Why would he look into his rapist's eyes? Said eyes now started to fill with tears as the full weight of what he had done hit him like a pile of rocks. 

How would he ever be able to look in the face of the man he loved again? Would anyone else realize what they had done? What he had done? No...they would never think that. Just because they had left together didn't mean they had done anything together. Severus would just have to go down to breakfast, that was all. He'd go down there *without Harry* and show them that nothing was different. Yes, that was what he would do. Just pretend last night never happened. That really was the best plan for everybody. 

Making up his mind, Severus grabbed his wand and spelled his clothes back on. He cast one last look at Harry and felt a clenching pain in his chest. He wanted to climb back into that bed and hold Harry for the rest of his life. He wanted to feel that warm body next to his again. He wanted to be there when Harry woke up. He wanted to kiss those lips again. He wanted to tell Harry how much he loved him. 

Instead, all Severus did was walk out the door. 

xxx

The first thing Harry noticed when he woke up was that he was cold. Opening his eyes and blinking against the harsh light, Harry saw that he was in his bed, alone. Not having had nearly as much to drink as Severus had, Harry didn't need as much time to remember what had happened last night. 

Harry's heart sank as he realization crept in. Severus had left without saying goodbye. Harry had been prepared for Severus to regret what they had done. He had been prepared for cold words. He had even been prepared for the anger that Severus was sure to have. 

What he wasn't prepared for, though, was for Severus to leave before Harry woke up. Harry eyes welled with tears. He hadn't thought that Severus would be so disgusted that he wouldn't even stick around to tell Harry that he had meant nothing to the older man. Harry let out a gasp of pain and buried his head in his pillow and cried. 

He had thought that he could live with one night. He had thought that he could deal with Severus not wanting him. He was wrong, so wrong. Severus's rejection hurt more than Harry had ever thought possible. He cried even harder. Maybe he should have stopped Severus. Then he would still have a friend. He would still have Severus in his life. Now Severus would never want anything to do with him, even in a completely platonic way. Harry had ruined his friendship with Severus, and for what? For one night (one beautiful night, the tiny little voice in his head corrected him) with a man that he knew would never want him. 

The man was probably eating breakfast right now. That is, if he wasn't too disgusted to eat. Knowing Severus as he did, Harry was sure that Severus wouldn't tell anyone what they had done. He would be too ashamed. He would go on like nothing had happened. Harry would have to do the same. Of course, people were bound to notice that something was wrong. After all, Harry and Severus had been friends since before the war ended. That something had happened between the two of them would be obvious when Severus refused to look at Harry, which Harry was sure would happen. 

Sniffing and wiping the tears from his eyes, Harry slowly climbed out of bed, painfully aware of the fact that he was still naked. He didn't want to take a shower, but he was sure that someone would notice something if he went to breakfast looking how he did. 

So Harry stumbled into the shower. He apathetically washed his hair and his body, wincing slightly as he washed his backside. Rinsing the soap off of himself, Harry quickly spelled himself dry and pulled on some clothes. Not even bothering with his hair, Harry made his way up to the great hall. Severus didn't mean anything to him. He could handle this. Those lies were unbelievable even to himself. 

Taking a deep breath, Harry pushed the door to the Great Hall open and stepped inside. He could do this. No problem. He started walking toward his seat, right next to Severus. Harry groaned. He had forgotten about that until he saw the man who had shared his bed sitting in the seat beside his empty one. Harry swallowed nervously and continued toward his seat. Then Severus looked up. 

Tears filled Harry's eyes as he saw the disgust in Severus's. He couldn't do this. Actually seeing Severus's revulsion was a million times worse than imagining it. 

Silently, without thinking about what everyone else's reactions would be, Harry turned and fled the Great Hall. 

**Please review!!!**

****


	3. Yesterday was hell but today I'm fine without you

Chapter 3: Yesterday was hell but today I'm fine without you

Severus sat in his usual seat at the Head Table. For a moment he seriously considered sitting somewhere else so that he would not have to face Harry when he came down, but Severus knew that if he moved he would only draw attention to himself. So instead of moving he took his usual seat at the table and prayed that he would finish his meal before Harry arrived. 

Apparently the gods didn't think Severus deserved to have his prayers answered. Just as Severus was finishing up the last of his meal, the door opened. Severus looked up, and his eyes met Harry's. He could see something in the boy's eyes, but he couldn't tell what it was. Probably embarrassment. Or shame. The boy did look awfully small like that. Severus felt a wave of disgust surge through himself as he thought about the pain he had probably put Harry through. After all, being raped by your evil, ex-Potions professor wouldn't be at the top of anybody's to-do list.

Severus's thoughts were confirmed when he saw Harry's eyes fill with tears right before the boy fled that hall. Severus sighed quietly to himself. He had really fucked things up this time. He heard Albus comment on why Harry looked so sad. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Severus took another sip of juice. He waited until his departure wouldn't be suspicious before getting up and heading down to his office. 

Once he was there, though, he didn't know what to do. His eyes fell on a stack of papers on his desk. He would grade papers! Yes, that was it. Taking a seat and pulling out a quill and a container of red ink, Severus started to read the first essay. 

''Love potions are used to make one person believe they are in love with another. Usual side effects include pale skin, glazed eyes, repeated declarations of love-''

Okay, perhaps grading papers wasn't the smartest course to take. That didn't matter; Severus would find something else to do. He pushed the essays to the side and picked up the potions manual he had been planning to read. 

The potions manual that Harry had bought him for his birthday. 

He hadn't really been in the mood for reading either. Severus sighed. There had to be something he could keep his mind off of Harry. Severus started pacing around his office. After much deliberation, Severus decided he would go collect potions ingredients from the Forbidden Forest. That would keep his mind off of Harry. And who knew, maybe the fresh air would do him some good. 

xxx

His plan worked fairly well. Severus found that as long as kept his thoughts focused solely on the task at hand, he wouldn't think about Harry. At least too much. Once he had managed to collect enough ingredients to last him the rest of the term, Severus shrunk his findings and placed them in his pocket. 

As he was making his way out of the forest he heard voices. Looking around, he felt his heart sink. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were sitting on a bench under a tree very near the place where Severus stood hidden by the tress. Not wanting to hear what was sure to be disgust in Harry's voice, Severus turned to leave. But Harry's words stopped him. 

''I slept with Severus.''


	4. It's just your doubt that binds you...

Chapter 4: It's just your doubt that binds you...

As soon as Harry made it to the safety of his rooms he called Hermione. She had always been there for him when he needed her. She was also the only one who knew of his love for Severus. Harry knew that she would listen to him without judging him. He felt bad bothering her as she had finally managed to get some time off work to spend with her family, but he really needed to talk to somebody. 

As soon as Hermione saw the pain in Harry's eyes, she told him she'd be right over. Grabbing a hand of floo powder, Hermione flung it into the fire and stepped inside. She pulled Harry into a gentle hug and felt him fall apart in her arms. She continued to hold him as he cried. When he had finally calmed down she pulled back and looked at him. 

''You need some fresh air,'' she told him. ''Walk with me outside, and you can tell me all about what happened.''

Agreeing that some fresh air might be good, Harry nodded his head and followed her outside. Not wanting to be overheard, Hermione led him to a tree on the very edge of school's property, right in front of the Forbidden Forest. Hermione conjured up a bench and sat down. Harry did the same. They sat in silence for a few minutes. 

''So, what happened?'' asked Hermione softly. 

''I did something stupid,'' muttered Harry miserably. 

''What?'' pressed Hermione, knowing that Harry needed a little encouragement. 

''I slept with Severus.''

xxx

'Slept with?' Severus wondered. That made it sound as though it had been consensual, and it most certainly not been. Severus had raped Harry, hadn't he?

xxx

''Why is that something stupid?'' asked Hermione. 

''He was drunk,'' Harry told her. ''He came over to my rooms for a drink after the Christmas party. He tripped, and I caught him. The next thing I knew, he was kissing me. He started to undo my cloak, and I just let him.''

''This isn't your fault, Harry,'' said Hermione, hearing the helplessness in Harry's voice. ''Severus kissed you.''

''He was drunk,'' Harry repeated, tears starting to form in his eyes again. ''He didn't know what he was doing. Had he known it was me, he never would have done that. He wasn't thinking clearly. I knew that he wasn't in his right state of mind, and I let him do it anyway because I wanted to at least have one night with him. I took advantage of him when he was in his drugged state.''

xxx

What?! Severus felt his mouth drop open in shock as he heard Harry talk. He had to have heard that wrong. Surely Harry hadn't just said that *he* had taken advantage of *Severus*. It was the other way around. Severus had taken advantage of Harry. Harry was pained because he had just been raped by his former teacher. Right?

xxx

''Oh Harry,'' sighed Hermione sadly. ''You didn't take advantage of him.''

''Yes I did!'' Harry insisted. ''I wanted my first time to be with him so badly that I didn't even care about what he wanted!''

xxx

His first time? Harry had been a virgin? Severus's heart sank. He had raped an innocent. Raped, because he still couldn't believe what Harry was saying. Harry would never want to be with an old, ugly ex-Death Eater. 

xxx

Hermione sighed again. She could tell that Harry was getting really depressed and didn't really know what to do. Hermione didn't like not knowing what to do. She didn't like feeling helpless when her friend was in such pain. 

''How was it?'' she asked, hoping to get a clear view of what had happened so as to determine how to best deal with Harry. 

''It was beautiful,'' said Harry. His demeanor suddenly changed drastically, and he smiled. ''Severus was so loving and gentle, but still passionate. It was exactly how I had always dreamt it would. Well...'' The smile disappeared as quickly as it had come. ''Except for the fact that he didn't really want to be with me. And the fact that he disappeared before I even woke up.''

xxx

Severus was in shock. Harry had dreamt about making love with him? Harry thought Severus had been loving and gentle? True, Severus had tried to be as gentle as possible; he hadn't wanted to hurt his love. But he had still thought he had raped Harry. Had Harry really seen it as something else? Had Severus messed up by leaving before Harry woke up? He had thought he had been doing the right thing in leaving before Harry woke up. He thought it would save them both the discomfort. Clearly he had been wrong. 

xxx

''Why do you think he left?'' Hermione asked. She knew exactly why Harry thought Severus had left. But she also knew Severus. She had seen the looks he had given Harry when he thought no one was watching. She was almost positive that Severus loved Harry just as much as Harry loved Severus. But she was also positive that Harry and Severus were two very stubborn and insecure people. 

''He was obviously repulsed by what had happened,'' said Harry sadly. ''He couldn't stand the sight of me anymore so he decided to leave before I woke up.''

''You don't know that he was repulsed,'' Hermione told him, hating to hear that sadness in Harry's voice. Harry shook his head.

''You weren't in the Great Hall this morning. You didn't see the disgust in his eyes when he looked at me.'' Harry's voice shook, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. ''I ruined everything.''

xxx

If Severus had thought his heart had fallen before, he now knew that it had taken up permanent residence in his feet. How had he misjudged the situation so badly? He had been disgusted with himself, not with Harry! He hadn't even known that the disgust was visible on his face. Severus didn't need to see Harry to hear the despair in his voice. Severus had been the one who ruined everything, not Harry. 

xxx

''You didn't ruin anything, Harry,'' said Hermione. ''How do you know that his being drunk didn't simply give him the courage to do something that he had always wanted to do but had been too afraid to?''

''Why the hell would he want to sleep with me?'' cried Harry. ''He could have anybody that he wanted to. What would he want with me?''

xxx

What would Severus want with him? Was this some sort of a joke? How could Harry not know how beautiful he was?

Seeing Harry wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, Severus made up his mind. He could no longer hide behind the trees while Harry blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault. How could he possibly think that Severus wouldn't want him? 

Taking a deep breath, Severus stepped out from behind the trees and walked over to Harry and Hermione. 

Hermione didn't appear surprised to see him there. Whether she had known that he was there the whole time or not, he didn't know. When he saw Harry start to tremble as he looked up at Severus, Severus found he didn't care what Hermione knew. All that mattered was Harry. 

xxx

Harry looked up from where he was crying and gasped when he saw Severus approaching. How long had the man been standing there? Had he heard everything that Harry had just said? What was he going to do? Harry knew that Severus was disgusted with what they had done, and therefore probably wouldn't want anyone else to know. What would he do now that Harry had told Hermione? 

Not daring to look Severus in the eye, Harry looked down at his lap. He clasped his hands together in an attempt to stop his trembling. 

**Okay, I know having Sev listening in the bushes is a bit clichéd, but I really don't care. Please review!! ******

********


	5. ...just leave those thoughts behind you now

Chapter 5: ...just leave those thoughts behind you now

Harry sat trembling, his face in his arms. He knew Severus had just heard everything he had said to Hermione, and he was terrified. Terrified that Severus would be even more disgusted than he was in the Great Hall. Terrified that Severus would scorn his feelings. Terrified that Severus would yell at him for taking advantage of him. 

Terrified that Severus would say all the things that Harry knew he must be thinking in his head. Terrified that Severus would go on and on about how nobody could ever love an ugly freak like him. Harry's chest tightened as he tried his best to stifle his tears. Tears would only remind Severus of how pathetic Harry really was. 

xxx

Severus felt his own eyes sting when he looked down at the shaking form of the man he loved. Harry looked so small and fragile with his head bent down like that. Severus met Hermione's eyes, and she nodded and stood up. 

''I hate to do this, but I have to get going. I still have a bunch of work to do at the house. I'll talk to you later Harry.''

xxx

 

Harry heard Hermione say goodbye and started trembling more. He had yet to look Severus in the face, but from Hermione's higher-than-usual-voice and her speedy departure, Harry figured that Severus was really angry. He wanted to cry out and beg Hermione not to leave him alone with Severus, but Harry knew he deserved whatever the older man decided to do to him. Harry heard Hermione walk away and knew that he was now alone with the man he loved, the man who would never love him back. Harry kept his head down. 

xxx

Severus waited until Hermione left before turning his attention back to Harry. Severus knelt down in front of Harry and placed his hand on the younger man's cheek, rubbing it with his thumb. Harry's head immediately flew up in surprise. Severus felt his breath hitch when he saw the pain and anguish in those beautiful emerald eyes. 

xxx

When Severus's hand cupped Harry's face, and his thumb gently stroked Harry's cheek, Harry's eyes flew open to look at Severus. Harry's breath caught in his throat as he saw the love in Severus's obsidian eyes. Harry shook his head; he had to be imagining things. There was no way that Severus loved Harry. Harry slowly lowered his eyes again. 

''I'm so sorry.''

xxx

Severus saw the brief flicker of hope in Harry's eyes before they dulled again. He was about to say something when Harry spoke. 

''I'm so sorry.''

Severus paused for a moment, not knowing what to do. 

''What are you sorry for?''

''I-I'm sorry for what happened last night,'' sobbed Harry. 

''You have nothing to be sorry about,'' Severus told him. ''It is I who should be apologizing.''

''You didn't do anything wrong,'' mumbled Harry.

''Yes I did. I took you last night without ever asking you if I could. That was wrong of me, even if I was drunk.'' Severus paused. ''Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin, Harry?''

'' didn't want you to stop,'' whimpered Harry, determined to not look at Severus. ''I was afraid if you knew how inexperienced I was, you would stop. And I knew last night was the only chance I would ever have to be with you. I'm so sorry.''

''Why would that be the only chance you'd have?'' pressed Severus. He of course knew this from eavesdropping, but he needed to hear Harry tell it to him. 

''Because you'd never want me if you were sober,'' said Harry, sniffing. 

''And why wouldn't I want you?''

xxx

A new wave of tears filled Harry's eyes at Severus's last question. This only confirmed what Harry had known all along: Severus hated him now. That was the only reason Severus would be asking that question. He knew, of course, everything that was wrong with Harry; he simply wanted to hear Harry put himself down. That must be it. Sniffing again, Harry took a deep breath and began to speak. 

''Because I'm an ugly, stupid, child who has nothing to offer you,'' Harry whimpered, subconsciously reciting words that the Dursleys had been telling him for years. 

xxx

Severus gaped at the young man in front of him. How could Harry think that he was ugly? He was the most beautiful person Severus had ever seen. Noticing that Harry was trembling again, Severus did the only thing he could think of doing. It was something his mother had done for him long ago when he was a small child who needed to be comforted. He gathered Harry into his arms and began to rock him back and forth. 

xxx

Harry felt arms around him and immediately stiffened. After a moment, though, he noticed that he wasn't begin attacked; he was being hugged. He was being hugged by Severus. What was going on? Despite Harry's doubts, he slowly began to relax into Severus's embrace.

xxx

Severus felt Harry relax and lean into his touch. He loved the feeling of having Harry in his arms. He gently ran his hand up and down Harry's back. Kissing the top of Harry's head, Severus pressed his lips to Harry's ear. 

''You are the most beautiful, intelligent, caring person I have ever met. You have so much to offer. How could you ever think of yourself as anything else?''

xxx

Harry heard the words Severus was saying, but he didn't understand them. Why was Severus saying those things? They weren't true. Was Severus trying to hurt him? That had to be it. Severus was mocking him. Why else would Severus say he was beautiful? Now knowing for sure that he meant absolutely nothing to the man he loved more than anything, Harry felt his already-broken heart shatter into a million more pieces. Fresh tears (he never seemed to run out of them) streamed down his face, and he trembled more than he ever had before. Pushing himself out of Severus's embrace, Harry tripped and started to fall to the ground. Severus's arms wrapped around his waist and prevented him from falling. Harry looked up into the face of the man who had caught him. 

''Why are you trying to hurt me?'' he asked brokenly.

xxx

Severus looked down at Harry in confusion. Why did Harry think Severus was trying to hurt him? All Severus had done was tell Harry he was beautiful. 

''I'm not trying to hurt you,'' said Severus sincerely. 

''Then why would you lie like that?'' demanded Harry, tears still falling down his cheeks. 

''I wasn't lying,'' Severus insisted. He looked into the damaged eyes of the man before him and decided to take a chance. 

''I love you.''

xxx

Harry heard the words and wanted to believe them. He wanted to believe them so badly but he couldn't. They weren't true; they couldn't be. Beautiful, intelligent people like Severus didn't just suddenly fall in love with ugly, brainless people like Harry. That just wasn't how life worked. 

''No you don't.''

''I assure you, I do,'' said Severus, leaning down to rest his forehead against Harry's. ''I'll swear it under Veritaserum. Would you believe me then?''

Harry was surprised by Severus's words. Why would the man promise to swear if he knew he didn'mean it? Harry was sad, tired, and confused. He needed to lay down. 

''You don't have to do that,'' he told Severus.

''Does that mean you believe me then?''

''If you l-love me, why did you leave this morning before I woke up? Why were you disgusted as soon as you set eyes on me?'' The questions hurt, but Harry had to ask them. 

''Oh Harry,'' said Severus sadly, looking Harry directly in his eyes as he spoke. ''I've loved you for the past two years. I've always wanted to be with you, but I figured I didn't stand a chance. When I woke up this morning, I was sure that you would regret what we did. I was sure I had raped you. So I left. I thought it would cause you less harm. I went to the Great Hall. When I saw you, I was disgusted with myself for taking advantage of you when I was drunk. I wasn't disgusted with you, Harry, I swear. Please believe me,'' he begged. 

xxx

Harry stared at Severus in shock. He wanted more than anything to believe what the man was saying. He just couldn't. That was, until Severus begged. Severus Snape doesn't beg; Harry knew that well. Severus was one of the proudest men that he knew. Nothing would have made Severus beg. He certainly wouldn't beg simply to humiliate Harry. That would mean that Severus loved him. But how could he? 

Harry looked into Severus's pleading eyes, trying to determine if he was telling the truth. Harry bit his lower lip. He wanted to believe this so badly. If he believed Severus, and it turned out Severus was lying, Harry would be without Severus. If he didn't believe Severus, and it turned out that Severus was telling the truth, he would be without Severus. 

What did he have to lose?

Still uncertain, Harry leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Severus's neck. He whispered, ''I believe you,'' before pressing his lips against Severuss. Severus kissed back. It was chaste and gentle and full of passion. In short, it was perfect. Severus pulled Harry closer to him. He leaned back and, with his thumb, gently wiped away Harry's remaining tears. 

''I love you,'' he said again, pressing a kiss to the top of Harry's head. 

''I love you, too,'' whispered Harry shyly. He saw Severus beaming down at him, love apparent in his eyes. Harry smiled. He felt so safe and warm in Severus's arms. He snuggled his face into Severus's robes and sighed in contentment. 

xxx

Severus felt Harry snuggle into his robes and smiled. He began rubbing Harry's back again. He felt happy for the first time in his life. That should have been a scary revelation, but, as Severus looked down at the happy face of his love, he found he wasn't nearly as afraid as he thought he'd be. 

He'd survived feeling disgusted with himself when for the first time he realized that he was falling in love with a student. 

He'd survived the antipathy he felt towards himself as he thought about all the bad decisions he had made in his life. 

He could definitely survive the love that he saw shining from Harry's eyes. And he would most definitely survive the love he felt for the young man. They had each other now. Nothing was going to tear them apart. Severus wouldn't let it. And neither would Harry.

~fin~

**Okay, this is it. I hope you all enjoyed it. Please review and tell me what you think!!!**

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